Free Jokes Page 15.
Jokes Page No 15.
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See?Be it so?
To be, or not to be.- Shakespeare
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
I Sinned
In the summer of 1998 a man in Amsterdam went to his priest and confessed, "Forgive
me Father, for I have sinned. During the second World War, I hid a wealthy Jewish
refugee in my attic to save him from the Nazis."
The priest, a bit perplexed, replied, "Well, son, that was quite a courageous
and generous thing to do. Why do you think it was a sin? God will bless you
for your kindness."
"But, father, I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that isn't something to be proud of, but you did it for a good
cause." Replied the father.
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Digging
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job
was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the
hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get
all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went
to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's
obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
More from the Courtroom
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
????
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
Make Over
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine
photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the
trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy
tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was
the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
The Sensitive Man
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a hare hopping across the middle
of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped
in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as
an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what
had become of it. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so
awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead animal,
and sprayed the contents of the can onto it. Miraculously it came to life, jumped
up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away
the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The astonished man ran to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."
Arriving In Chicago
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central
Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and
arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"Nope," said Bob, " I'll jus' hang around here and watch that
there thing take off."
Delivered
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when the college boy who delivered
his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but
the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my student fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."
Dumb U.S. State Laws
Oregon
- Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays
- You may not pump your own gas in service stations
- You may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e. that
which covers one's body from neck to knee
- Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing
Tennessee
- You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile
- Hollow logs may not be sold
- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish
Texas
- It is illegal to take more that three sips of beer while standing
- You can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband
or wife 3 times
- It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel
South Carolina
- Horses may not be kept in bathtubs
- It is an offense to get a tattoo
- Performing a U-turn within 1,000 feet of an intersection is illegal
Musical instruments my not be sold on Sunday
New York
- It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun
- A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline
- The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
Strange Thought
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer,
a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and
explode at least once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X Cringely
----
Dead Right?
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Yep, Dead Sure! I checked thru the whole list again yesterday.
Daisy
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he
is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying
pan in her hand.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "Because you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy"
written on it"
Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bashing him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is
bashed on the head.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse just phoned."